Hurting

Day 15: People of the Resurrection

 

I asked Colby to write in the blog tonight. He politely declined. I asked him if he knew what a blog was. He said no.

There are some days I don't want to look at the bright side. My profile name is Half Full, but on days like this I feel a bit more like the glass is bone dry. I am tired of writing this blog and I'm tired of being thankful and I'm tired of being transparent (or at least more transparent than I normally am). Coming up with ways that God lives in and with me is hard work. I think it'd be easier to be ignorant of his presence. I mean he's gonna do what he wants to do anyway; he's the one with the Master Plan. I am incapable of controlling things.

My siblings seems to think I've gone off the deep end. I feel them pulling away, not with their words, but with their lack of words. They don't want me to be that weird Jesus Freak, and they certainly don't know how to interact with me. Must be that I'll spout bible verses at them. Must be that Christians don't have any fun. Must be that when I laugh, I am a hypocrite. I am stuck in this midway that forces me to move in one direction or another: closer to God or closer to people I love.  Do I have to choose? Is there any choice that will draw those I love to me, while I draw closer to God. My heart is breaking.

Ack, as I write these words I find that I can't even complain without drawing him closer. In order to whine about my exhaustion I seek him out to question, blame and cry out to. For someone who once was pretty self-reliant I can't even get angry without bringing God into the picture.

I am sure that there is something in here that I can draw strength from on a better day, in a better place, if I were a better person. Tonight though, I have nothing. I am tired. I am real. I hurt.